looking up

I'm proud to say that although my conversation with Russ started off a little rough, it ended very nicely. To say I was a little mad on Monday would be quite the understatement. To make it worse right off the bat- I had driven over to Russ' apartment as planned (my plan) and called to tell him I wanted to meet there. I got a solid 20 seconds of dead silence. When he spoke he asked me to come to his office and talk there. We went back and forth because I wanted to know was there something in his apartment that he didn't want me to see? No but he just didn't want to meet there. Back and forth...

I ended up at his work. We hashed it out and when it was all said and done we were agreeable on several things and planned to work on them- seriously work on them. If it doesn't get better now it never will and I will have to accept that and walk away. Since my biggest complaint was the communication we don't have, he vowed to work on it. And if I get to a point where I'm happy with how that's going then we'll start working on what he wants. (Just as an fyi this is his suggestion) I did not agree to this because then he still won't be happy.

Anyways, we talked for the whole commute home on Tuesday and he was upbeat and actually did most of the talking. Wednesday and today we had lunch together. Tonight we are also meeting for dinner in a little bit. There was even talk of going golfing this Sunday. I have to say that I am impressed, happy and impressed. I truly hope that this continues because despite all of our issues over the last couple of years I can say that this is what I want. I want to be with Russ. I have had my doubts in the past but my heart just seems to keep coming back to him. Hopefully he still feels the same but only time will tell.

give me strength

So I'm not real sure how I'm going to go about this tonight. I am meeting Russ after so we can talk and I know he is thinking we will most likely be grabbing something to eat. The thought of food right now turns my stomach in knots. I am not excited about seeing him. In fact, I'm hoping that by getting all this out I will be able to finish concentrating on my work. Thankfully it's been a relatively quiet day here in the office.

This weekend was not good. Last week was worse. Tuesday (I think) Russ called me to ask if I could take care of Ally over the holiday weekend and I assured him it wouldn't be a problem. He told me he was driving home to Michigan. That very day on my lunch while looking at the status updates of my friends on Facebook, I notice that his sister had just written that she was excited about her parents coming to visit her...in Iowa...

The next evening when I talked to Russ I asked if his parents were even going to be in town when he got home.

Oh, you know what, I don't think they are. I forgot... I think they're going to be at my sisters.

Yeah, I thought I saw her post something about that. So I guess you're not going to go, huh?

I guess not.

So I'm off Friday... do you want to make plans to do something this weekend?

Yeah that sounds good.

Wednesday- I call when I leave work to run some ideas by him and I get his voicemail. I assume he's working late and say so in the message and ask him to call me. At 9:30pm I try calling again... and get voicemail. I assume he worked really late and then went home and went to bed so I tell him to call me in the morning. At 1:12 am I get a text that reads "drove to Michigan, just got in. call me tomorrow. just don't call between 12:30 and 3. Dealing with Churchill." Can I just tell you how furious I was?! First of all, you just drove 7 1/2 hours to your parents house and THEY ARE NOT EVEN THERE. Second of all, we had tentative plans for the weekend. Third, you always tell me you don't have service up there so how do you expect me to believe you will be handling a work account for a three hour period. I called him Thursday from work at right around noon... got voicemail. Called when I got home from work... got voicemail. Friday around lunch I called... got voicemail (noticing a pattern here?) By this point I was done leaving nice messages. So I told him that he obviously didn't want to speak to me and I thought he was being rude for not returning my calls, to have a nice weekend and I'll talk to you whenever because I'm done being ignored. Eight hours later, I receive a text that reads "such a mean message! What are you up to? Miss u!" SERIOUSLY! OK, let me go over this again, first of all you wouldn't get such a mean message if you would simply CALL ME. Second of all, if you want to know how I am doing, CALL ME. And third, if you miss me then CALL ME. Or better yet you could have invited me to go with you but I understand that that's just not how our relationship operates anymore. We no longer make public appearances around people we know. The occasional dinner out is fine every now and then but we don't do that much anymore either because you say you can't afford me. Whatever the F@#K that is supposed to mean. We have been together for 4 years now, I think it's quite alright if I pick up the check sometimes.

I did not call him back Friday night because I fell asleep on the couch. Would you believe that the next morning he sent a text saying "Happy 4th. Guess you are too busy to respond to anything I sent yesterday." I about lost it. So I called and when I got his voicemail and let him him know that he has got some nerve to try and tell me that I'm hard to get a hold of.Needless to say I have not slept well all weekend and I have had some bad dreams that I wish I could say were just dreams. They seem more like a gut feeling which is very disturbing.

In about 30 minutes I'm going to put my brave face on and drive to his apartment. When he calls to ask where we're meeting I will tell him that I'm already at his place so he can't try to back out of it. I really don't think the conversation we'll be having will be suitable for public places and since I haven't been invited to his apartment in about a year I'd say it's a good time to go in there and see what's going on.