I've had one of those weekends where nothing out of the ordinary happened, no horrible experiences to note and yet I have been feeling like I want to just lock myself in a room. I don't recall ever discussing this in any of my other posts simply because it's just so exhausting. Fair warning, there may be a part two or something of the likes. I think at one point I was going to attempt to explain things but...
So here goes.
About 3 years ago I lost my job -which happened to be one that I really liked. That one shitty day triggered a chain of shitty days until the days ran into weeks, then months and before I knew it I wasn't myself anymore. I was depressed. The amount of time it took me to figure that out and admit it to myself still kind of blows my mind. Even then I did not seek help right away. I was embarrassed, ashamed, confused, scared and a string of other related emotions. I just kept thinking 'How could this happen to me? I thought I was smarter than this. How could I not recognize what was going on?' The thing I feared most was that I would be put on some type of medication. What if I became dependent on it and needed it to function for the rest of my life? Needed it just to feel normal again? I couldn't bear the idea that the old me could be lost forever, hidden or masked behind a veil of drugs. Not to mention the fact that I loathe taking pills. I don't take vitamins or even aspirin when I have a headache.
I finally did go to my doctor and talk to her. (This was after some coaxing from my mom in which through our conversation I found out that this disease runs in my family on my dad's side.) My doc and I came up with a short term medicine plan. Try some for just 6 months and then we'd see how I was doing and go from there. She also suggested some related reading material and some sort of counseling to maybe help get to the root of it all. We talked for a while and upon leaving I felt hopeful. Better than I had in months. Mostly because she told me that I would be a much stronger person now and be able to recognize the signs if I ever started to lapse back into these feelings. A month into my Zoloft, Russ moved out. In being completely selfish at the time, I felt very betrayed and deserted. The one person who had been by my side through the worst of it just. left.
Since then I have had various rants about the crap we've been through and how mixed up my emotions are over it. All the while I've been slowly coming to terms with the fact that his reaction is probably more my fault than I'm willing to admit. I'm kind of stubborn like that. And so over the last two days I've wanted to just remove myself from everyone and everything and just zone out. I'm tired of fighting to recover and stay 'back to normal'. I'm tired of dissecting and analyzing my every emotion for fear that the next move or decision I make could be one that royally screws up my life. And God knows I don't need any more of those feelings.
Now I have to quit for the night, otherwise I'll be too worked up to sleep. Tomorrow is another day... but it's Monday. Yuck.
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