looking up

I'm proud to say that although my conversation with Russ started off a little rough, it ended very nicely. To say I was a little mad on Monday would be quite the understatement. To make it worse right off the bat- I had driven over to Russ' apartment as planned (my plan) and called to tell him I wanted to meet there. I got a solid 20 seconds of dead silence. When he spoke he asked me to come to his office and talk there. We went back and forth because I wanted to know was there something in his apartment that he didn't want me to see? No but he just didn't want to meet there. Back and forth...

I ended up at his work. We hashed it out and when it was all said and done we were agreeable on several things and planned to work on them- seriously work on them. If it doesn't get better now it never will and I will have to accept that and walk away. Since my biggest complaint was the communication we don't have, he vowed to work on it. And if I get to a point where I'm happy with how that's going then we'll start working on what he wants. (Just as an fyi this is his suggestion) I did not agree to this because then he still won't be happy.

Anyways, we talked for the whole commute home on Tuesday and he was upbeat and actually did most of the talking. Wednesday and today we had lunch together. Tonight we are also meeting for dinner in a little bit. There was even talk of going golfing this Sunday. I have to say that I am impressed, happy and impressed. I truly hope that this continues because despite all of our issues over the last couple of years I can say that this is what I want. I want to be with Russ. I have had my doubts in the past but my heart just seems to keep coming back to him. Hopefully he still feels the same but only time will tell.

give me strength

So I'm not real sure how I'm going to go about this tonight. I am meeting Russ after so we can talk and I know he is thinking we will most likely be grabbing something to eat. The thought of food right now turns my stomach in knots. I am not excited about seeing him. In fact, I'm hoping that by getting all this out I will be able to finish concentrating on my work. Thankfully it's been a relatively quiet day here in the office.

This weekend was not good. Last week was worse. Tuesday (I think) Russ called me to ask if I could take care of Ally over the holiday weekend and I assured him it wouldn't be a problem. He told me he was driving home to Michigan. That very day on my lunch while looking at the status updates of my friends on Facebook, I notice that his sister had just written that she was excited about her parents coming to visit her...in Iowa...

The next evening when I talked to Russ I asked if his parents were even going to be in town when he got home.

Oh, you know what, I don't think they are. I forgot... I think they're going to be at my sisters.

Yeah, I thought I saw her post something about that. So I guess you're not going to go, huh?

I guess not.

So I'm off Friday... do you want to make plans to do something this weekend?

Yeah that sounds good.

Wednesday- I call when I leave work to run some ideas by him and I get his voicemail. I assume he's working late and say so in the message and ask him to call me. At 9:30pm I try calling again... and get voicemail. I assume he worked really late and then went home and went to bed so I tell him to call me in the morning. At 1:12 am I get a text that reads "drove to Michigan, just got in. call me tomorrow. just don't call between 12:30 and 3. Dealing with Churchill." Can I just tell you how furious I was?! First of all, you just drove 7 1/2 hours to your parents house and THEY ARE NOT EVEN THERE. Second of all, we had tentative plans for the weekend. Third, you always tell me you don't have service up there so how do you expect me to believe you will be handling a work account for a three hour period. I called him Thursday from work at right around noon... got voicemail. Called when I got home from work... got voicemail. Friday around lunch I called... got voicemail (noticing a pattern here?) By this point I was done leaving nice messages. So I told him that he obviously didn't want to speak to me and I thought he was being rude for not returning my calls, to have a nice weekend and I'll talk to you whenever because I'm done being ignored. Eight hours later, I receive a text that reads "such a mean message! What are you up to? Miss u!" SERIOUSLY! OK, let me go over this again, first of all you wouldn't get such a mean message if you would simply CALL ME. Second of all, if you want to know how I am doing, CALL ME. And third, if you miss me then CALL ME. Or better yet you could have invited me to go with you but I understand that that's just not how our relationship operates anymore. We no longer make public appearances around people we know. The occasional dinner out is fine every now and then but we don't do that much anymore either because you say you can't afford me. Whatever the F@#K that is supposed to mean. We have been together for 4 years now, I think it's quite alright if I pick up the check sometimes.

I did not call him back Friday night because I fell asleep on the couch. Would you believe that the next morning he sent a text saying "Happy 4th. Guess you are too busy to respond to anything I sent yesterday." I about lost it. So I called and when I got his voicemail and let him him know that he has got some nerve to try and tell me that I'm hard to get a hold of.Needless to say I have not slept well all weekend and I have had some bad dreams that I wish I could say were just dreams. They seem more like a gut feeling which is very disturbing.

In about 30 minutes I'm going to put my brave face on and drive to his apartment. When he calls to ask where we're meeting I will tell him that I'm already at his place so he can't try to back out of it. I really don't think the conversation we'll be having will be suitable for public places and since I haven't been invited to his apartment in about a year I'd say it's a good time to go in there and see what's going on.

the waiting game

It seems all I ever do anymore is wait. Most of the time it's frustrating- say when I'm waiting on the return phone calls from Russ that never seem to come. But that's a whole different issue and one that just doesn't seem to get any better.

Today I'm waiting yet again on a phone call. I spoke to a mortgage broker this morning to get pre-approved for a home loan. I know that my phone will ring at some point today and that I may end up very disappointed or extremely excited. (I'm definitely pulling for the latter) So I sit... and wait...

Hopefully I will hear something soon *fingers crossed*

that new car smell

I bought a new car a week ago yesterday and I am *loving* it.

A couple of Fridays back it was pouring down rain as I was headed out of the office so I scrambled to get in to my car as quickly as possible. When I sat down and turned to put my umbrella on the passenger side floorboard, I noticed a puddle of water. Yes, a puddle. I stared... blinked... shit. I got back out in the rain and went to my trunk to grab an old beach towel out. (Luckily I keep one in there to wipe off dirty puppy paws) After soaking up what I could I headed for home thinking 'I am so over these little problems'. I've had leak issues before, they're not fun but when your car is 10 years old you have to expect certain things.

The next day I decided to go test drive some cars. My brother works at a Nissan dealership so I was mainly looking into one of those models. I liked the Rogue but had purposely put off driving anything new until now because I knew the temptation would be too great. When I drove it it just fit. It felt so comfortable... and quiet too. It was all over from there but I wanted a black one. They did have one that had just come in the the lot and still had the plastic on it. My brother hadn't even done the inspection on it yet. I told the sales guy that as long as everything checked out ok on it, that was the one I was taking home. And I did.

So I'll say it again, I am loving my new car. :)

go Calvin... it's your Derby!

I won. I won. I won.

I bet the Derby winner! Woohoo!

I told you I always bet on my favorite jockey and he came through for me. He also won the Oaks race too which is pretty rare. Granted I only made a $2 bet but that's because I had some other long shots picked as well. Mine That Bird was a 50-1 odds for the race and he came out of nowhere to win. Here's the 'fastest two minutes' in sports.

Looking back I wish I would have wagered more than just a couple of dollars but oh well, the victory is still just as sweet.

By the way, Calvin Borel also won the Oaks race (day before Derby) He's one of few jockeys to win both Oaks and Derby in the same year. You can also watch the Oaks race where Rachel Alexandra blows away the other horses.

and they're off... the countdown begins

It's a big weekend here in Louisville... Derby Weekend! Yes, it's that time again. Horse races, gambling, big hats, mint juleps, and celebrities. The mint juleps I could do without *yuck* but the rest is pretty exciting. Today is The Kentucky Oaks and has a pink theme this year in support of breast cancer awareness. A lot of people take off work today to go to the track for Oaks and schools are out today as well. Although they don't actually get off for the race, they call it some sort of 'developmental day' - yeah whatever.
Tomorrow is the big day though and I have my horse picked out. It's a long shot but I'm going with West Side Bernie. Papaw's name was Bernie so it only seems right that I go with that horse. My other pick is Mine That Bird. The jockey I always bet on, Calvin Borel is riding him and I also like the name because Papaw was a bird watcher. Kind of unrelated but another cool thing I found is that there is a Derby Barbie. I don't remember even seeing one before so I guess that means this event is moving on up to the big time!

I hadn't planned on going to Churchill tomorrow but the closer the race gets the more excited I'm getting. I may have to head over there after all. The last time I went was with Russ a couple of years ago. His company supplies workers for some of the different areas and he gets an all access pass so he can check up on them throughout the day. He got me a pass too and we went walking through Millionaires Row and the Turf Club. While he was looking for employees, I was looking for celebrities. I saw quite a few, mostly sports guys, but it was still pretty neat.

there's never enough time

I had the words all worked out in my head- what I wanted to say, how I wanted to express myself. Now as I sit here. My mind is blank. I've lost it all.


On Thursday, April 9th my Papaw passed away. He seemed to be progressively getting better with each day that he was in the hospital.

He was in ICU for 10 days.

On Wednesday when I went to see him after work he had just finished eating his supper. I could only stay for an hour before the visiting hours were over. It was just me and Papaw. Always the socializer he started right away.

"What is Steve doing to the house?"
"He's fixing some of the cracks in the wall before he repaints"

"Do I get to go home tomorrow?"
"That's up to the nurses, they want to make sure you're good and strong before they decide anything."
"Can you talk to them for me?"
"Of course I will"

We had a few other short conversations in which I tried to do most of the talking because I could tell he was getting winded. After a bit he asked me to get him his oxygen because he couldn't breathe. I told the nurse and she came in to put on his mask. When the visiting hours were over I told him I'd be back on my lunch the next day and mom would be there first thing in the morning. Apparently he had a difficult time that night still struggling to get oxygen. My mom and her 2 brothers were told the next morning that they needed to start making some decisions. They explained the situation to Papaw and asked him if he wanted to continue using the BiPAP machine that he had become more and more dependent on.

"No, pull out all the plugs"

He didn't want the machine anymore, didn't want to have to struggle for air. One of his biggest fears was not being able to catch his breath. Knowing his wish the nurses turned off the oxygen and began to sedate him so that he would be comfortable on his own.

The whole day went by so fast. Mom called me around 12:30 and asked if I was still coming to the hospital on my lunch. I told her that I was and she said that I might want to go ahead and come now because they had made the decision to sedate and Papaw may not be awake much longer. I sat for what seemed like forever- real time was probably only about a minute- and tried to figure out what I needed to do. I laid out everything on my desk that had to be completed that day and told my boss I was leaving. I wasn't sure what to expect once I got to the hospital so my boss said to call if I decided to take the rest of the day off. It was 10-15 minutes later when I got in his room and he was already asleep. I'd missed him. Mom said he could still hear us and we should talk to him like we had been but he just wouldn't be able to answer because of the medicine.

The doctors said there was no way to predict how long he could carry on this way. Could be one day, a week, a month. All they could do was monitor his stats and if it seemed like he was uncomfortable they would increase his dosage. I had been holding his hand for hours, mom had done the same throughout the day so he would know and be able to feel that he wasn't alone. I didn't want him to be scared. That evening as we sat around him telling fishing stories, his heart rate began dropping further and further and then stopped around 9:20pm. To say that I miss him just doesn't feel like enough, it hurts more than that. The only thing that gives me some peace of mind is the story he told his nurse the night before.

Papaw points upward

"What?"
"Heaven. I'm ready to be with my wife."
"Oh, now Bernard, I think you're confused. Your wife was just here the other day."
"No... my first wife."

*sigh* Granny